Wednesday 17th February 2010

I decided to be organised today. No lounging around with the children arguing in the background. We would go out. I booked tickets to the film club at the cinema, where you can see a recent, but not new film, for £2 per child with the adults going free. We made sandwiches, the 11 O clock start dictates that lunch must be eaten in the cinema. Crisps were emptied into plastic boxes, sandwiches cut into bite size pieces, there would be no rustling from our seats.

We arrived with minutes to spare - the cinema was in chaos. The electronic pre paid ticket dispensers were out of order *shock horror* the foyer was swarming with anxious parents, hurrying their offspring into various queues to get the much prized tickets. We were lucky, I spotted a short queue, and we made a dash for it - well no 1 son did - I trailed behind with the other 2.

We found our seats and within seconds the titles began. No 2 son, who is 3, is becoming so much better with public outings. He sat temporarily on his own seat, then transferred to my lap for the rest of the film. It was rather nice to hold his warm little person close, to have his sweet round face buried in my shoulder at a scary bit. He sucked his thumb and twirled my hair between his fingers - his beloved blankie being left at home. Sitting there, listening to his breathing, feeling the closeness between us, reminded me just how precious simple moments like these are. He begins school in September, and going on my experience of the older 2, our relationship will change then, for ever.

I thought of No 1 , and the haze of post natal depression which was his first year. A time when I came so close to killing us both. I can't believe that those thoughts ever visited my mind, but they did. Just as I emerged from the fog, I was expecting again. I felt absolutely ecstatic as they delivered my baby - I had never ever verbalised my desire to have a daughter, but there she was, perfect. After the trauma of PND first time round, I was watched like a hawk, medicated before delivery, not allowed to breast feed, my daughter and I spent many months before bonding. But No 2 son, a gift sent when we thought our family was complete, a gift to take away the demon of PND, to show me motherhood in a whole new light - and 3, nearly 4 years down the line, I can still revel in the power of a cuddle.

In fact, I could not tell you what the film was called, or what it was about. I was totally preoccupied with my children and the feelings that I have for each of them. All very different, very evocative, but totally absorbing. This overwhelming and all consuming love for them is on occasions a source of deep conflict for me- when depression and anxiety eat away at the mind & soul, when self doubt and insecurity creep in and undermine my whole being.

Walking out in the bright sunshine, with smiles all over their faces, we headed home, where they have laughed, cried, fought and played the afternoon away.