Meeting

Today there was a multi agency meeting about my children.  There were 8 different people there, plus me.  It was hugely intimidating.  They were talking about my life at home, and how my youngest child is a massive challenge & the effect this is having on my other 2 children.  
My daughter is a very unhappy 9 year old, who wishes her little brother had never been born - she screamed that at me last week when he had provoked a reaction out of her.  She said that we don't pay any attention to her & her elder brother, that we only pay the smallest one attention.   It cut me to the core when she asked if she could go into foster care, as she didn't want to live in the same house as her younger brother.  I try so hard to pay each of them attention, but the youngest one is incredibly demanding & often interrupts / destroys activities.  He doesn't understand, his autistic view of the world is that he is the most important person & his demands should be met, instantly.  
My elder son, aged 12, is a very mature young chap - wise beyond his years.  He worries (in a similar way to me) about his brother, and also about me.  he is waiting for some counselling, as he becomes very angry with the world and blames himself for things that he has no control over.   I am concerned that he could head down the same awful route that I have travelled with my mental health, so I hope that the counselling will help him to overcome his feelings and help him deal with them in a controlled way.  
Did I do this to them?  Are they able to sense my negativity.  Do they believe my stories about all the injuries that befall my arms?  They aren't stupid, I'm sure that they pick up on the feelings that invade my every thought.  I don't want that for them, I want them to be happy, and to lead full and enjoyable lives.  Someone said at the meeting "happy mum = happy kids", but I can't remember what happy feels like.  

Dirty Little Lies

We all tell lies, every day.  I was thinking about this and decided to make a list of all the lies I told in a day.

• I'm fine thank you
• I've had my breakfast
• You have to go to school today 
• I don't have enough petrol to run that errand
• I'm not hungry, thanks
• I will phone them tomorrow
• I got scratched by the cat, my skin is paper thin
• My back is feeling better
• That's fine, I don't mind you going out after work, and missing the children's bedtime
• I'm busy this afternoon, sorry
• I'm going out to the tumble drier
• I'm having an early night, I'm exhausted

What I actually meant was

• My world is falling apart and I'm powerless to stop it
• I have eaten chocolate when you weren't looking
• You have to go to school today, because I can't cope with you at home
• I have enough fuel, I just don't want to leave the house
• I'm ravenous, but I can't eat in front of anyone
• I will not make the phone call, I can't talk to anyone on the phone
• I slashed my arms with razor blades
• My back hurts, but I can't bore you with moaning about my pain
• I can't believe you would organise to go out over teatime, bathtime, pick up from club time.  Now I must do it all on my own
• I need to be on my own, I'm terrible company
• I'm going into the garden to smoke
• Please don't make me have sex with you

So my life is pretty much a tapestry of untruths.  That makes me feel dreadful.  My life is a big fat lie.  No one really knows what goes on in my head & I don't feel able to share it with anyone.  Pretty poor really.