27th - 28th February 2010

Well, another week has passed, a busy one at that. I have spent more time in schools than I have at home this week, with visits to the small folks school for displays of work, governors meetings and concerts, then to my school for work.

Someone I used to know has been diagnosed terminally ill this week. Cancer is an awful disease, it lurks around the corner, it's cruel hand reaching out randomly stealing lives. It has made me think of those I have lost, most importantly, my grandmother. She was a truly wonderful woman - a real lady, she only drank tea from a cup with a matching saucer, and was one of the loveliest people I have ever known. She grew up the daughter of shopkeeper and married her army sweetheart. She then followed him all over the world as he fought for our country, bringing up two children. She always had time for people and their problems. She listened and cared for anyone who needed her to listen. She would miss meals to feed others. The family sometimes laughed at her propensity for collecting lame ducks. The day she died, a little piece of me did too. My heart breaks that she never met my children - how she would have adored them. My little girl would have been the apple of her eye, spoilt rotten. My boys would have been able to do no wrong, they would have wrapped her round their little fingers. She adored my then boyfriend, now husband. She died 5 weeks before my wedding. She would be so proud of the business he has built and the way he is father to our children. I would give anything to pick up the phone and chat to her. To tell her my news, boring and mundane, but she would make it special and want to hear more. I really miss you nana.

Weekend 20th21st February 2010

And so the weekend arrives, no different to the rest of the week really! Mr was at work on saturday, and was out rabbiting and shooting on sunday. As a strict vegetarian, I am finding Mr's new found interest in shooting a little difficult to reconcile. I find any sort of violence towards animals abhorrent, however, it is not for me to dictate what others do & don't eat (apart from my offspring at present ;-) ) So, I have to weigh up whether, if Mr is going to eat meat, would I prefer him to be purchasing mass factory farmed products, where he has no input on the upkeep /slaughter etc, or is it better for him to pop out once a week and shoot himself a pigeon, trap a rabbit, which has lived a wild and free life? Obviously my ideal solution would be for him to become veggie, but that will never happen, so I wave him off on a sunday, and allocate him a drawer in the freezer, and that constitutes my total involvement!

We were out for a meal on saturday evening. I was really looking forward to this. A babysitter was organised and posh frock dusted off. We had checked with the hotel in advance that there was a vegetarian option, and were assured that there was. We arrived and met the other people we were dining with. Once seated, our starters arrived. The vegetarian option was a fan of melon with berry compote - a pretentious label for 2 small slices of melon and some defrosted berries. The main I knew was mushroom risotto, a favourite of mine. It arrived. It was smothered in parmesan cheese. I made Mr try the cheese, just to make sure, before summoning a waiter, who confirmed, yes, it was indeed parmesan. Any self respecting vegetarian knows that there is no such thing as vegetarian parmesan. The waiter removed my dinner and the manager appeared, making excuses that all the vegetarian meals had been prepared like this, and I had not said I was vegan. He emphasised, that he himself was vegetarian, but he ate cheese. I really did not want to begin an argument about cheese, so I very politely said, that I did eat cheese, but not those that are produced using process using calf rennet! They brought me another meal, cooked fresh which was delicious, however, all my table companions had finished eating before it arrived. The dessert course was a mousse, I felt the manager was testing my vegetarian principles by putting the gelatinous pud in front of me, and looking for a response! How rude!! I did not disappoint him, and said, thanks, but I know that I have a fruit salad ordered. When it arrived the fruit salad dessert was the starter - just chopped differently and served in a different dish. Thistle Hotel, you do not win marks for imagination in the veggie food department! It was lovely to have an evening away from small people, but the first thing I did when we got home, was to go round to their rooms and kiss each sleeping child.

Friday 19th February 2010

Friday! Again, it should be a work day, but half term provided an opportunity for a lie in! My elder children have both had growth spurts, and were both in need of new trousers. They requested we go to the large out of town shopping centre, not because of the range of clothes shops, but because of the presence of a Krispy Kreme Donut cafe! Their idea of a perfect treat - a donut & a fizzy drink. I am quite fierce about their diet, I am bringing all my children up to be vegetarian, as I truly believe it is a healthier way of eating. We eat mainly home cooked food, from fresh ingredients, very few desserts, their sweet treats generally being yoghurt or fruit. Hence the excitement at the prospect of a donut!

As we sat in the cafe munching processed sugar laden carbohydrates, I watched the people going past, all busy with their own lives. Mums with small children looking tired and harrassed, teenage girls in groups looking moody (and underdressed for the time of year!) Dads looking reluctant as partners marched forward purposefully. It was a snapshot of life. No time to stop, no time for talking, always moving, moving on. I sometimes crave a quieter life, a life away from the hustle and bustle. I would love to live away from town, and be more self sufficient than I am now. Unlikely in the near future, but it is nice to dream.

We made our purchases of blue jeans and pink jeans, the children both excited to go in changing rooms and try on a selection, with them being allowed the final choice in what was bought. We visited WH Smiths, and I bought the lasted copies of my favourite jewellery making magazines. I am looking forward to bed time, when I will put on my iPod and lay in bed planning all the lovely things I would like to make.

I enjoyed spending time with the children today, it was nice to be able to give them my undivided attention, instead of always having one eye on the youngest (he was at nursery today) They are growing so fast. No 1 son is 10 now, and beginning to develop an interest in the way he looks and dresses, my daughter is 7 and is still madly in love with all things pink, but is also beginning to be aware of fashion and looks. It was an expensive but rewarding day!

Thursday 18th February 2010

Thursday! Usually a work day for me, but half term brings the pleasure of unsetting the alarm and not leaving the house at 6:45 a.m. After a lay in until 8:30, after Lord GP had left for work, taking No 2 son to nursery (no half term for him!) I had the pleasure of my elder children's company for the day.

We loaded up the car and headed off to my school. Even though it is half term, I had work to do in the classroom, so we went together, armed with laminator and paper trimmer. The children were really helpful, they did the laminating and trimming and helped me create a new role play area for the classroom.

I always wanted to teach. From the age of 6 I never wavered in my choice of career (apart from a few weeks at 15, when hairdressing seemed appealing - exams were looming and a job that didn't require A levels appeared attractive!) when asked, I always said I wanted to be an infant teacher. I left school and went straight to university to complete a 4 year degree, resulting in a teaching qualification.

I have taught in many schools in the last 20+ years. My current school is in a very deprived area, with a high level of special needs (double the national average) and many other factors seen as disadvantages. I however, love working with children from deprived homes, they are curious, loving, fascinated, cheeky and fabulous - just as children from so called "well off" homes. The difference is that for the majority of my class, we are the stable factor in their life, often the only place that they go where there are boundaries and rules. They thrive in our setting, often starting as nervous tearful little people who blossom into confident, happy children, with a thirst for learning. I love the way they run to show you a leaf or a feather that they found on the way to school, the way they gaze at you, seeking approval for their actions. The endless questions about everything are a joy. The need for a hug or reassurance when things aren't going to plan serve as a reminder that they are individuals with their own needs and personalities.

As I watched my own children working together at the laminator, I wondered what path they would follow. My daughter already says she wants to be an infant teacher - completely unprompted by me! Given my own history, I can already see her in the classroom with small children adoring her. No 1 son is not so fixed on his career path yet. The only thing he is certain of is that he will be a Lifeboat Coxswain. His love of lifeboats is longstanding and deep. He is a fount of knowledge and trivia, and can always be relied on to provide a fact or factoid in quiet moments! No 2 son is too young to have expressed an interest in careers, his path as yet a mystery to be uncovered.

We finished the classroom, and went home for lunch. As a reward for their help, I bought them a dvd to watch this afternoon. I was really touched when I asked what treat they would like, my daughter said "You to sit with us and watch a film, with popcorn" I could not refuse! So the 3 of us had a lovely cuddle on the sofa, with our feet up, munching Butterkist. Sometimes motherhood is not so bad!

Wednesday 17th February 2010

I decided to be organised today. No lounging around with the children arguing in the background. We would go out. I booked tickets to the film club at the cinema, where you can see a recent, but not new film, for £2 per child with the adults going free. We made sandwiches, the 11 O clock start dictates that lunch must be eaten in the cinema. Crisps were emptied into plastic boxes, sandwiches cut into bite size pieces, there would be no rustling from our seats.

We arrived with minutes to spare - the cinema was in chaos. The electronic pre paid ticket dispensers were out of order *shock horror* the foyer was swarming with anxious parents, hurrying their offspring into various queues to get the much prized tickets. We were lucky, I spotted a short queue, and we made a dash for it - well no 1 son did - I trailed behind with the other 2.

We found our seats and within seconds the titles began. No 2 son, who is 3, is becoming so much better with public outings. He sat temporarily on his own seat, then transferred to my lap for the rest of the film. It was rather nice to hold his warm little person close, to have his sweet round face buried in my shoulder at a scary bit. He sucked his thumb and twirled my hair between his fingers - his beloved blankie being left at home. Sitting there, listening to his breathing, feeling the closeness between us, reminded me just how precious simple moments like these are. He begins school in September, and going on my experience of the older 2, our relationship will change then, for ever.

I thought of No 1 , and the haze of post natal depression which was his first year. A time when I came so close to killing us both. I can't believe that those thoughts ever visited my mind, but they did. Just as I emerged from the fog, I was expecting again. I felt absolutely ecstatic as they delivered my baby - I had never ever verbalised my desire to have a daughter, but there she was, perfect. After the trauma of PND first time round, I was watched like a hawk, medicated before delivery, not allowed to breast feed, my daughter and I spent many months before bonding. But No 2 son, a gift sent when we thought our family was complete, a gift to take away the demon of PND, to show me motherhood in a whole new light - and 3, nearly 4 years down the line, I can still revel in the power of a cuddle.

In fact, I could not tell you what the film was called, or what it was about. I was totally preoccupied with my children and the feelings that I have for each of them. All very different, very evocative, but totally absorbing. This overwhelming and all consuming love for them is on occasions a source of deep conflict for me- when depression and anxiety eat away at the mind & soul, when self doubt and insecurity creep in and undermine my whole being.

Walking out in the bright sunshine, with smiles all over their faces, we headed home, where they have laughed, cried, fought and played the afternoon away.

Tuesday 16th February 2010

It was a long night. No 1 son was up & down all night with a cough and cold, therefore I was up and down all night. As it happens I was awake anyway. I have long battled the demons and darkness that depression brings. I am currently in a low patch. Everything is tinged with a dark outline. Nothing brings me joy. At the back of my mind are thoughts which only get air time when my mood is low.

When you live with pain, you become very blase about it. It takes more and more to make you feel things. My physical pain is very intense at the moment. I am having to use 2 crutches to mobilise, everything is a chore. But things have to be done, and no one else will do them for me, so I have to get through that barrier, the "I can't". People stare at you when you use a disabled parking bay - you can see them stare, looking you up and down, taking in the crutches, the way I move. The crutches make it o.k. - she can't walk properly, she can park there. Everywhere, judgmental eyes - when I take too long at the till, because I can't grip the coins in my purse, if I drop something and can't bend to pick it up, watching me.

I would really like to be invisible. To go about my business, with no one looking, no one judging. I have to use painkillers in a patch form. Sometimes they are visible under my clothes, I wouldn't mind if people asked. I do mind if people stare.

Depression is an evil beast, but one I have lived with in different forms for so many years now, I think I would miss it if it went. It has made me the person I am today, for better or worse. At the moment I do not like myself at all, but, that is my problem, not yours. I have spent many years in therapy, many months in hospital, weeks / days / hours hating myself and all that I am. So I swallow my antidepressants, and paint a smile upon my face. Mum, wife, teacher, friend, so the days go by.

Monday 15th January 2010

Welcome to my blog. I am beginning this as a way of recording my thoughts, feelings and general musings on life. I am a mum of 3, who works part time as a primary school teacher. I battle the mundane in search of excitement, and am eternally seeking a feeling of true happiness and contentment. Why Guinea Pig Days? Because this is the stage we are at in our family life - guinea pigs, hamster, gerbils, fish - all needed, all obtained with promises of care, all left to mum now the novelty has worn off!

A reflection on Valentines Day. What a waste of time. We have been together nearly 25 years. I got a card. No small gesture - no single rose, no tiny but gorgeous chocolates, no romantic CD. I am an advertisers dream - show me it on tv, package it beautifully, and I want it. Didn't get it though. My 10 year old son is more romantic than his dad - the object of his innocent affections receiving a carefully chosen card and some chocolate ladybird *lovebugs* I won't be holding my breath for next year.

Half Term is upon us. We have a whole week of "What are we doing?" "What's next?" "Can I have...?" I have an extra child today, but the noise level seems to have doubled! They are playing hide and seek. The neighbours must think there are elephants in residence. I need to formulate a plan to get through this week with some level of sanity intact.