For My Beautiful Daughter, My Darling Princess,

You were the most wanted little girl in history. We found out you were on your way on Valentines Day - what better gift to treasure, than that of a child. I sneaked out and was at the chemist as it opened in order to buy the pregnancy test. I always remember handing the cashier the money, and as she popped the test in a bag, she handed it to me and said "good luck" and winked!!! Luck was definitely on our side, daddy was thrilled that he was going to be a daddy again, and your big brother was thrilled at the prospect. We went to our scans and check ups as a family - we waved to you on the screen, wriggling and kicking. The sonographer showed us the hair on your head, we knew you would have hair long before we knew you were a girl!! In my heart I really really wanted a little girl. I had been lucky enough to have a gorgeous boy already, and you were my heart's desire - I never ever told anyone, or spoke of that desire. If anyone asked if I had a preference, I said "no, just healthy will do me".

The day you came into the world was a friday. Your nana came to stay the night before, I cooked a special meal which we ate together, as I was not allowed food, because you were being delivered by caesarean section. We left the house at 7 in the morning and sat in the rush hour traffic, wondering what you would look like! We were so excited. You were born at 10.00 am. When they lifted you out of me and said "It's a girl" the most massive feeling of excitement overtook me, my eyes filled with tears and I watched as the midwife passed you to your daddy to show me. Our eyes met and I knew from that second on, you were my princess - you stole a piece of my heart and I loved you so much it almost hurt. "Well," I said to daddy "You best get a pink quad bike now!" How little we knew at that point, that pink would feature so heavily in our lives from that moment on! We had already decided on a name for you, and it suited your round dark eyes, your shock of dark hair and your pretty pink rosebud lips. I could not wait to get my hands on you. When we were back on the ward, you were laying in your little fishtank cot, I gazed at you. I could not believe that my secret wish had been granted. My heart sang as I fed you your little bottle of milk. I sorry I never tried to feed you myself - but after I had your brother I was very poorly, and it was decided that rather than get poorly again, I would take medication to try and prevent it happening - but, it meant I could not nourish you myself - I am sorry, and I do regret that now. You were dressed in the little white outfit I had bought, I wanted you in pink though, I wanted the world to know I had my girlie - I was so proud. I sent daddy off to buy pink baby gros, he would not dare come back til he had found some that fitted - you were so petite, all the unisex stuff we had bought you was huge!!! Your tiny legs didn't reach into the leg holes. Daddy came back with some very dainty girly clothes - I couldn't wait to dress you up, my very own, real life Tiny Tears dolly.

We brought you home and so we began our life together with you, your big bro, myself & daddy. You had so many visitors - everyone wanted to meet you. You were lavished with pink and feminine gifts - the house resembled a florists, with all the flowers we were sent. I used to put you in the moses basket to sleep - you were so tiny I was afraid your boisterous big brother might break you! We put the basket in the playpen, so you could sleep easily. Little did I know that your big brother would be anything but a danger to you - he absolutely adored you - he watched you sleep, he read you stories - he gave you your nickname, which we still use now! You were such a dainty baby, you watched the world through your piercing green eyes. You did NOT like to miss anything - you sat at the table with us for meal times from the start, you could not bear to be left out! I knew there was something wrong when you were a few weeks old, the health visitor tutted as she weighed you. You were on the bottom of the weight chart and were not gaining. I was petrified - I had wanted you so much, please God, don't let anything be wrong :( You were always a sicky baby, but as the weeks wore on we realised that changing your milk made no difference, and that feeding you needed bathsheets - one over me & the sofa and one over the floor - you were so sick. It turns out you were allergic to milk. I am so sorry I put myself first and didn't feed you myself - they said you would probably have been allergic to my milk too, but I never gave you the chance - sorry. Once we had sorted out your special milk, you began to grow a little, I loved that you were small and dainty - you truly were my dolly. As you got older and began to eat we discovered that you were not just allergic to milk - there were lots of other foods that made you poorly. You had a very selective diet - but you enjoyed what you had - you LOVED Dutch apple pudding! You watched your brother intently, by 9 months you were on your feet - you could not wait to be where he was, doing what he did! You were still tiny - I took you to get your first shoes - you were a Size 1 - "They don't make walking shoes that small"said the shop assistant sniffily - "Babies with feet that small can't walk" I couldn't help myself - "oh?" I said and got you out of the pram and put you on the floor - you shot off, walking over to the mirror "could you tell her that" I smirked at the assistant! We got your shoes from another shop and you loved the freedom of going outside and playing with your brother in the garden. How proud I was of my boy and my girl - I loved pushing you both in the double pushchair!

As time went on, your brother started school, and you began nursery - how you hated that! In the end we took you out and left it a few months before trying again. You settled quickly in the end, palling up with another little girl who would be your best friend - and still is now - and will be forever I am sure! You spurned trousers and any clothing other than your beloved pink! Occasionally I could get you into denim, but there had to be something pink / flowery on it! You began ballet at 2 1/2 - you loved it - so cute in your little leotard (pink of course!) and REAL ballet shoes - how you loved those shoes, you slept in them for the first week you had them! Your love of dancing has continued, you now study tap dancing and modern as well. You have danced on stage in the theatre - I was so proud of you, I still am, and always will be. You passed your ballet exam with flying colours. You now do gymnastics too - and have passed several grading tests - my gorgeous, agile, dainty princess.

When you were 3 you became a big sister! How excited you were, telling everybody and anybody that there was a baby in mummy's tummy. I can only say sorry that you never got the baby sister you wanted, but your little brother worships you and waits for you to come home everyday, just to do things with you. I know that has been a source of much angst for you, and you have asked and prayed many times for a sister, but we really couldn't manage it. You have been a lovely sister, and your 2 brothers would go to the ends of the earth for you :)

As time passed you began school - you were made for school, you couldn't wait! You have never looked back, enthusiastic in everything, excelling in language and writing. Creative and imaginative - you thrive on these tasks. You have already decided to be a primary school teacher like mummy :) you will be, I know you will. I love brushing your waist length hair, spending time learning to french plait so I could do the style you wanted! We paint your toenails bright pink, and hide them beneath your school socks - a little bit of rebel already! We spend time curling your hair with a hot wand, and trying on clothes and making up outfits. I love that even though you are tall and growing up fast that you still throw yourself at me and say "I love you mummy, you're the best"

There are times when you are forgetful and dreamy, but there are other times when you are lively and excitable! I am sorry that I can't join you in your rolling and jumping and skipping games, I wish I didn't live in pain. I curse the back and leg pain which mean I am a bystander rather than a participant in your life. I hope you will understand one day how much I wanted to join in, and hated the fact that I couldn't. I am sorry for the wasted hours you have had, dragging round hospitals and medical facilities. I am sorry our house has been full of strangers on a daily basis - one day you will understand that they were the Mental Health Crisis team, and their help kept me with you for longer. I have so much to apologise for. When you are a teacher with your own class, and a parent comes to you with problems, that you will understand how much they want to help their child, how they would rather feed their children than themselves - and you will help them in any way you can. You won't be judgmental, you will care. Please, my darling girl, if you are ever sad or feel like you could cry and never stop, promise me you will tell someone - get help. DOn't be brave, don't soldier on, please, for me. You have kissed me better so many times - never knowing that some of the hurts were done by my own hands - I didn't want to hurt you - so I hurt myself, please don't ever spoil your beautiful body with scars, like I have done. You are perfect in every way, and I love you so much it physically hurts.

I hope that you will always hold that piece of my heart that you stole the very first time our eyes met, hold it tight and know how much I love you. You truly are my princess, my heart's desire, my darling daughter. I will love til forever, wherever I may be

Always your adoring and loving mummy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dear Son

To My Eldest Child, My beloved Son,

I truly believe that children are a gift, a blessing. We tried for 7 years to have a child with no luck at all. We truly believed that we were never going to have children. We decided that if that were the case, then we would get on with our lives. We moved house, got new cars, I applied for a promotion, then out of the blue the day that changed our lives forever. We went to the shopping centre after work to buy an outfit for my promotion interview. I had come over light headed at work during the afternoon and had had to sit down. I thought I was in need of sugar, it was only in the car that the thought that I may be pregnant flicked through my mind. I didn't dare voice the thought. I couldn't allow myself to think it even for a minute. It was only as I wandered around the shops with your dad, that I suddenly said - I think I need to do a test. Your dad looked scared as we sat in the cafe, holding a pregnancy test under the table. I had done loads of them in the past, so I thought I had read it wrong when we realised it was positive - it had actually happened - you were on your way.

As you grew inside me, I could not wait to meet you. I read everything I could find about pregnancy, how big you were, what changes were happening as you developed within me. I could not wait to get a bump and let the world know that you were there, you were real, my own baby. As my tummy grew, we saw you on the hospital monitors at scan times, we heard your heart pounding at the midwife appointments. I wanted so much to hold you in my arms. We did not know you were a boy. Daddy wanted a little boy as he was not sure he could cope with a girl, I was not bothered - I just wanted you, healthy, happy and by my side. As the weeks went by, my tummy grew and grew - you wriggled and kicked inside me - letting me know you were there. You were due mid January, it was the Millennium - the year 2000. By the time the Millennium celebrations took place I was heavy and swollen and counting down the days until your birth. I was admitted to hospital - I had blood pressure problems, I stayed in for 10 days before the doctors decided you would be better outside me, rather than in. I remember the evening so clearly, Daddy dressing in blue hospital scrubs, me making phone calls from the phone box in the hall, warning Nana & Grandad that you were on your way! As I lay on the trolley in the operating theatre, behind the blue screen, the doctor lifted you from inside me and shouted "It's a boy!" I glowed with pride and felt excitement like I had never felt before as your eyes met mine for the very first time. You had a beautiful round face, screwed up eyes and masses of black hair. You were perfect, your daddy did not leave your side as they took you off to be weighed and measured. After a short spell in the recovery room we went up to the ward. They wheeled you in your fish tank trolley behind me "Where's my boy?" I remember saying, "Where is my boy?" I had already named you, I think Daddy would have let me have whatever I wanted once he had seen his son. You were named for your grandfathers. Your maternal grandfather was so proud to have you named for him, and your great nana was just delighted.

After 5 long days in hospital, we were allowed to take you home. I was so scared, we strapped you into your little seat and you screwed your face up and cried. You cried all the way home! We carried your seat in and put it on the sofa - your daddy and I looked at you & then each other - we hugged, a huge excited hug, as we began this new phase of our lives, as parents to a gorgeous baby boy.

You were not the easiest baby in the early days. You cried for hours on end - I fed you, changed you, walked for hours with you in the pram. I did not know what I was doing wrong. I tried everything, cuddling you, rocking you, an electric swing chair, bouncy chair, baby sling, pram. You would pull your little legs up to your tummy, your face would go dark red as your little pink mouth turned into a large gaping space emitting the most piercing wails, that you could keep going for hours on end. I gave you Infacol with your feeds in the hope it would make you more comfortable, I tried gripe water, boiled water, raisin water, but still the crying went on. I felt like the worst mum in the world - I did not know how to make you happy. You weren't a great sleeper - you and I spent many hours downstairs in the middle of the night, watching an early version of MTV where they only had enough songs to fill an hour, so played the same ones over and over again. We had a turning point when you were 8 weeks old, one of the midwives showed me how to swaddle you - suddenly you felt safe, you began to sleep a bit more. Feeding became easier as you got bigger - we had no problem weaning you, you gobbled down everything we tried you with! You loved blueberry puddings, and cauliflower cheese.

As you grew, my confidence diminished, I felt that I had let you down, your early days were so stressful, I truly believed that you hated me. I would look into your little blue eyes, with their long lashes, wondering why you cried at me, what I had done wrong - I had dreamt of this time, as a new mum, for so many years. Instead of being the idyllic picture in my head, that I had imagined for so long, it was a chaotic, emotional rollercoaster, fraught with negative feelings. I sank into the darkness of post natal depression. It was not your fault my darling boy, I was overwhelmed by negative feelings. I have never had a lot of confidence in my own abilities - post natal depression robbed me of the last bit of confidence - I have never felt so inadequate. I felt that I didn't deserve you, that I was a poor excuse for a mother. I could not cope. I loved you with all my heart, but hated myself so much I wasn't sure I could be your mum. Once things had settled down, and we were used to each other, I got some help for the PND, and slowly but surely we got to know each other properly. I am sorry that I was not good enough in the early days, I hope that you can forgive me.

As you became a toddler, your personality developed - you won over everyone you met, with your winning smile, blue eyes and blonde hair. You began to talk, and so we got to know the real you. You are charming and clever - a memory for details, knowledge and trivia. When you come out with a car fact it makes me think of your daddy, who also has a great mind for facts. You wowed people with your knowledge of cars and their marques, everywhere we went you chattered away, taking in everything - names, places, directions. They loved you at nursery, you remembered everything they taught you, you always knew what day of the week it was, and what the date was. By the time you started school you were so ready to venture into education, you couldn't wait to get through the door. Whilst your handwriting is not the best, you have shone at maths and science, working far in advance of your years. You are a talented musician, with an ear for a tune. We share a love of theatre and musicals, I love to sing along with you. You made me so proud as you stood on stage, singing solos, taking the lead in productions with your friends. I love that you still throw your arms around me and say that you love me, even though you are growing up. I think it is fantastic that you want long hair - never feel that you have to be the same as everyone else, don't follow the crowd, don't play safe just for an easy life. Stand by your principles - if you don't want to eat meat - don't, if you want to boycott Nestle, then do so, knowing that you are an individual who can make his own choices. When you come to my room first thing in the morning and cuddle me, with your cheery good mornings, my heart leaps that I am so lucky to have you. You are a gift, a blessing, and though you sometimes you drive me to distraction - when you tantrum about your homework, I love you so much it hurts.

I am sorry that I have not been all the mum you deserve - I wish I could take you for bike rides and play rough and tumble games. I am sad that my back prevents us from enjoying the outdoors the way you would like to. One day I hope you will forgive me for suffering the depression that has stalked our lives - for the days you wanted to go out and I couldn't face it. For the hours you spent being dragged around hospital appointments, I apologise. I have tried so hard to keep going for you, to not give in to the thoughts that could take me away from you. It is you that I think of when the night is dark and I struggle to carry on. I wish that I never had these thoughts, but sadly I do, they are a part of me, just like my love of music and my fear of slugs. One day I will explain to you that in order to keep myself whole for you, I had to hurt myself. I don't understand it yet, but one day I will be able to explain it to you. One day, when you are a husband and father yourself, when your own children are keeping you busy. I want so much for you darling, but more than anything in the whole wide world, I want you to be happy.

What ever happens in your life, I will always love you, and will always be ,

Your Mum xxxxxxxxxxx