You were the most wanted little girl in history. We found out you were on your way on Valentines Day - what better gift to treasure, than that of a child. I sneaked out and was at the chemist as it opened in order to buy the pregnancy test. I always remember handing the cashier the money, and as she popped the test in a bag, she handed it to me and said "good luck" and winked!!! Luck was definitely on our side, daddy was thrilled that he was going to be a daddy again, and your big brother was thrilled at the prospect. We went to our scans and check ups as a family - we waved to you on the screen, wriggling and kicking. The sonographer showed us the hair on your head, we knew you would have hair long before we knew you were a girl!! In my heart I really really wanted a little girl. I had been lucky enough to have a gorgeous boy already, and you were my heart's desire - I never ever told anyone, or spoke of that desire. If anyone asked if I had a preference, I said "no, just healthy will do me".
The day you came into the world was a friday. Your nana came to stay the night before, I cooked a special meal which we ate together, as I was not allowed food, because you were being delivered by caesarean section. We left the house at 7 in the morning and sat in the rush hour traffic, wondering what you would look like! We were so excited. You were born at 10.00 am. When they lifted you out of me and said "It's a girl" the most massive feeling of excitement overtook me, my eyes filled with tears and I watched as the midwife passed you to your daddy to show me. Our eyes met and I knew from that second on, you were my princess - you stole a piece of my heart and I loved you so much it almost hurt. "Well," I said to daddy "You best get a pink quad bike now!" How little we knew at that point, that pink would feature so heavily in our lives from that moment on! We had already decided on a name for you, and it suited your round dark eyes, your shock of dark hair and your pretty pink rosebud lips. I could not wait to get my hands on you. When we were back on the ward, you were laying in your little fishtank cot, I gazed at you. I could not believe that my secret wish had been granted. My heart sang as I fed you your little bottle of milk. I sorry I never tried to feed you myself - but after I had your brother I was very poorly, and it was decided that rather than get poorly again, I would take medication to try and prevent it happening - but, it meant I could not nourish you myself - I am sorry, and I do regret that now. You were dressed in the little white outfit I had bought, I wanted you in pink though, I wanted the world to know I had my girlie - I was so proud. I sent daddy off to buy pink baby gros, he would not dare come back til he had found some that fitted - you were so petite, all the unisex stuff we had bought you was huge!!! Your tiny legs didn't reach into the leg holes. Daddy came back with some very dainty girly clothes - I couldn't wait to dress you up, my very own, real life Tiny Tears dolly.
We brought you home and so we began our life together with you, your big bro, myself & daddy. You had so many visitors - everyone wanted to meet you. You were lavished with pink and feminine gifts - the house resembled a florists, with all the flowers we were sent. I used to put you in the moses basket to sleep - you were so tiny I was afraid your boisterous big brother might break you! We put the basket in the playpen, so you could sleep easily. Little did I know that your big brother would be anything but a danger to you - he absolutely adored you - he watched you sleep, he read you stories - he gave you your nickname, which we still use now! You were such a dainty baby, you watched the world through your piercing green eyes. You did NOT like to miss anything - you sat at the table with us for meal times from the start, you could not bear to be left out! I knew there was something wrong when you were a few weeks old, the health visitor tutted as she weighed you. You were on the bottom of the weight chart and were not gaining. I was petrified - I had wanted you so much, please God, don't let anything be wrong :( You were always a sicky baby, but as the weeks wore on we realised that changing your milk made no difference, and that feeding you needed bathsheets - one over me & the sofa and one over the floor - you were so sick. It turns out you were allergic to milk. I am so sorry I put myself first and didn't feed you myself - they said you would probably have been allergic to my milk too, but I never gave you the chance - sorry. Once we had sorted out your special milk, you began to grow a little, I loved that you were small and dainty - you truly were my dolly. As you got older and began to eat we discovered that you were not just allergic to milk - there were lots of other foods that made you poorly. You had a very selective diet - but you enjoyed what you had - you LOVED Dutch apple pudding! You watched your brother intently, by 9 months you were on your feet - you could not wait to be where he was, doing what he did! You were still tiny - I took you to get your first shoes - you were a Size 1 - "They don't make walking shoes that small"said the shop assistant sniffily - "Babies with feet that small can't walk" I couldn't help myself - "oh?" I said and got you out of the pram and put you on the floor - you shot off, walking over to the mirror "could you tell her that" I smirked at the assistant! We got your shoes from another shop and you loved the freedom of going outside and playing with your brother in the garden. How proud I was of my boy and my girl - I loved pushing you both in the double pushchair!
As time went on, your brother started school, and you began nursery - how you hated that! In the end we took you out and left it a few months before trying again. You settled quickly in the end, palling up with another little girl who would be your best friend - and still is now - and will be forever I am sure! You spurned trousers and any clothing other than your beloved pink! Occasionally I could get you into denim, but there had to be something pink / flowery on it! You began ballet at 2 1/2 - you loved it - so cute in your little leotard (pink of course!) and REAL ballet shoes - how you loved those shoes, you slept in them for the first week you had them! Your love of dancing has continued, you now study tap dancing and modern as well. You have danced on stage in the theatre - I was so proud of you, I still am, and always will be. You passed your ballet exam with flying colours. You now do gymnastics too - and have passed several grading tests - my gorgeous, agile, dainty princess.
When you were 3 you became a big sister! How excited you were, telling everybody and anybody that there was a baby in mummy's tummy. I can only say sorry that you never got the baby sister you wanted, but your little brother worships you and waits for you to come home everyday, just to do things with you. I know that has been a source of much angst for you, and you have asked and prayed many times for a sister, but we really couldn't manage it. You have been a lovely sister, and your 2 brothers would go to the ends of the earth for you :)
As time passed you began school - you were made for school, you couldn't wait! You have never looked back, enthusiastic in everything, excelling in language and writing. Creative and imaginative - you thrive on these tasks. You have already decided to be a primary school teacher like mummy :) you will be, I know you will. I love brushing your waist length hair, spending time learning to french plait so I could do the style you wanted! We paint your toenails bright pink, and hide them beneath your school socks - a little bit of rebel already! We spend time curling your hair with a hot wand, and trying on clothes and making up outfits. I love that even though you are tall and growing up fast that you still throw yourself at me and say "I love you mummy, you're the best"
There are times when you are forgetful and dreamy, but there are other times when you are lively and excitable! I am sorry that I can't join you in your rolling and jumping and skipping games, I wish I didn't live in pain. I curse the back and leg pain which mean I am a bystander rather than a participant in your life. I hope you will understand one day how much I wanted to join in, and hated the fact that I couldn't. I am sorry for the wasted hours you have had, dragging round hospitals and medical facilities. I am sorry our house has been full of strangers on a daily basis - one day you will understand that they were the Mental Health Crisis team, and their help kept me with you for longer. I have so much to apologise for. When you are a teacher with your own class, and a parent comes to you with problems, that you will understand how much they want to help their child, how they would rather feed their children than themselves - and you will help them in any way you can. You won't be judgmental, you will care. Please, my darling girl, if you are ever sad or feel like you could cry and never stop, promise me you will tell someone - get help. DOn't be brave, don't soldier on, please, for me. You have kissed me better so many times - never knowing that some of the hurts were done by my own hands - I didn't want to hurt you - so I hurt myself, please don't ever spoil your beautiful body with scars, like I have done. You are perfect in every way, and I love you so much it physically hurts.
I hope that you will always hold that piece of my heart that you stole the very first time our eyes met, hold it tight and know how much I love you. You truly are my princess, my heart's desire, my darling daughter. I will love til forever, wherever I may be
Always your adoring and loving mummy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
No comments:
Post a Comment