Dear Son

To My Eldest Child, My beloved Son,

I truly believe that children are a gift, a blessing. We tried for 7 years to have a child with no luck at all. We truly believed that we were never going to have children. We decided that if that were the case, then we would get on with our lives. We moved house, got new cars, I applied for a promotion, then out of the blue the day that changed our lives forever. We went to the shopping centre after work to buy an outfit for my promotion interview. I had come over light headed at work during the afternoon and had had to sit down. I thought I was in need of sugar, it was only in the car that the thought that I may be pregnant flicked through my mind. I didn't dare voice the thought. I couldn't allow myself to think it even for a minute. It was only as I wandered around the shops with your dad, that I suddenly said - I think I need to do a test. Your dad looked scared as we sat in the cafe, holding a pregnancy test under the table. I had done loads of them in the past, so I thought I had read it wrong when we realised it was positive - it had actually happened - you were on your way.

As you grew inside me, I could not wait to meet you. I read everything I could find about pregnancy, how big you were, what changes were happening as you developed within me. I could not wait to get a bump and let the world know that you were there, you were real, my own baby. As my tummy grew, we saw you on the hospital monitors at scan times, we heard your heart pounding at the midwife appointments. I wanted so much to hold you in my arms. We did not know you were a boy. Daddy wanted a little boy as he was not sure he could cope with a girl, I was not bothered - I just wanted you, healthy, happy and by my side. As the weeks went by, my tummy grew and grew - you wriggled and kicked inside me - letting me know you were there. You were due mid January, it was the Millennium - the year 2000. By the time the Millennium celebrations took place I was heavy and swollen and counting down the days until your birth. I was admitted to hospital - I had blood pressure problems, I stayed in for 10 days before the doctors decided you would be better outside me, rather than in. I remember the evening so clearly, Daddy dressing in blue hospital scrubs, me making phone calls from the phone box in the hall, warning Nana & Grandad that you were on your way! As I lay on the trolley in the operating theatre, behind the blue screen, the doctor lifted you from inside me and shouted "It's a boy!" I glowed with pride and felt excitement like I had never felt before as your eyes met mine for the very first time. You had a beautiful round face, screwed up eyes and masses of black hair. You were perfect, your daddy did not leave your side as they took you off to be weighed and measured. After a short spell in the recovery room we went up to the ward. They wheeled you in your fish tank trolley behind me "Where's my boy?" I remember saying, "Where is my boy?" I had already named you, I think Daddy would have let me have whatever I wanted once he had seen his son. You were named for your grandfathers. Your maternal grandfather was so proud to have you named for him, and your great nana was just delighted.

After 5 long days in hospital, we were allowed to take you home. I was so scared, we strapped you into your little seat and you screwed your face up and cried. You cried all the way home! We carried your seat in and put it on the sofa - your daddy and I looked at you & then each other - we hugged, a huge excited hug, as we began this new phase of our lives, as parents to a gorgeous baby boy.

You were not the easiest baby in the early days. You cried for hours on end - I fed you, changed you, walked for hours with you in the pram. I did not know what I was doing wrong. I tried everything, cuddling you, rocking you, an electric swing chair, bouncy chair, baby sling, pram. You would pull your little legs up to your tummy, your face would go dark red as your little pink mouth turned into a large gaping space emitting the most piercing wails, that you could keep going for hours on end. I gave you Infacol with your feeds in the hope it would make you more comfortable, I tried gripe water, boiled water, raisin water, but still the crying went on. I felt like the worst mum in the world - I did not know how to make you happy. You weren't a great sleeper - you and I spent many hours downstairs in the middle of the night, watching an early version of MTV where they only had enough songs to fill an hour, so played the same ones over and over again. We had a turning point when you were 8 weeks old, one of the midwives showed me how to swaddle you - suddenly you felt safe, you began to sleep a bit more. Feeding became easier as you got bigger - we had no problem weaning you, you gobbled down everything we tried you with! You loved blueberry puddings, and cauliflower cheese.

As you grew, my confidence diminished, I felt that I had let you down, your early days were so stressful, I truly believed that you hated me. I would look into your little blue eyes, with their long lashes, wondering why you cried at me, what I had done wrong - I had dreamt of this time, as a new mum, for so many years. Instead of being the idyllic picture in my head, that I had imagined for so long, it was a chaotic, emotional rollercoaster, fraught with negative feelings. I sank into the darkness of post natal depression. It was not your fault my darling boy, I was overwhelmed by negative feelings. I have never had a lot of confidence in my own abilities - post natal depression robbed me of the last bit of confidence - I have never felt so inadequate. I felt that I didn't deserve you, that I was a poor excuse for a mother. I could not cope. I loved you with all my heart, but hated myself so much I wasn't sure I could be your mum. Once things had settled down, and we were used to each other, I got some help for the PND, and slowly but surely we got to know each other properly. I am sorry that I was not good enough in the early days, I hope that you can forgive me.

As you became a toddler, your personality developed - you won over everyone you met, with your winning smile, blue eyes and blonde hair. You began to talk, and so we got to know the real you. You are charming and clever - a memory for details, knowledge and trivia. When you come out with a car fact it makes me think of your daddy, who also has a great mind for facts. You wowed people with your knowledge of cars and their marques, everywhere we went you chattered away, taking in everything - names, places, directions. They loved you at nursery, you remembered everything they taught you, you always knew what day of the week it was, and what the date was. By the time you started school you were so ready to venture into education, you couldn't wait to get through the door. Whilst your handwriting is not the best, you have shone at maths and science, working far in advance of your years. You are a talented musician, with an ear for a tune. We share a love of theatre and musicals, I love to sing along with you. You made me so proud as you stood on stage, singing solos, taking the lead in productions with your friends. I love that you still throw your arms around me and say that you love me, even though you are growing up. I think it is fantastic that you want long hair - never feel that you have to be the same as everyone else, don't follow the crowd, don't play safe just for an easy life. Stand by your principles - if you don't want to eat meat - don't, if you want to boycott Nestle, then do so, knowing that you are an individual who can make his own choices. When you come to my room first thing in the morning and cuddle me, with your cheery good mornings, my heart leaps that I am so lucky to have you. You are a gift, a blessing, and though you sometimes you drive me to distraction - when you tantrum about your homework, I love you so much it hurts.

I am sorry that I have not been all the mum you deserve - I wish I could take you for bike rides and play rough and tumble games. I am sad that my back prevents us from enjoying the outdoors the way you would like to. One day I hope you will forgive me for suffering the depression that has stalked our lives - for the days you wanted to go out and I couldn't face it. For the hours you spent being dragged around hospital appointments, I apologise. I have tried so hard to keep going for you, to not give in to the thoughts that could take me away from you. It is you that I think of when the night is dark and I struggle to carry on. I wish that I never had these thoughts, but sadly I do, they are a part of me, just like my love of music and my fear of slugs. One day I will explain to you that in order to keep myself whole for you, I had to hurt myself. I don't understand it yet, but one day I will be able to explain it to you. One day, when you are a husband and father yourself, when your own children are keeping you busy. I want so much for you darling, but more than anything in the whole wide world, I want you to be happy.

What ever happens in your life, I will always love you, and will always be ,

Your Mum xxxxxxxxxxx