OCD is portrayed by the media as eccentrics who check the door 20 times before leaving, or wash their hands 3 times etc. That is an element of the illness, but there is a much less publiscised side to OCD - invasive thoughts - ideas, images, thoughts, memories, visions that creep into your mind uninvited. They look like they are really happening, sometimes it actually feels like you are there. It is very random, the thoughts can come at any time, whilst you're doing anything, driving, reading, playing with children.... and on occasions it is terrifying. When it happens, my heart begins to beat faster, I get a lump in my throat, but I can't swallow it away. I lose concentration (a huge issue if I'm driving) and I get swallowed up into it.
I keep seeing my funeral. I have seen my car crashing, I have seen terrible things happen to my children. It is so frightening, at the moment the pictures are coming thick and fast, I am almost on my guard for them, looking over a metaphoric shoulder, saying don't come now, please, leave me alone. But still they come.
Take these pills they say, they will help. But the truth is, sometimes the science just can't help, and you have to get on with it on your own. My coping strategies are maladaptive apparently. But they work - but only for a short time. Then I have to deal with the aftermath, the mess, the pain, the scars. But at least when I am doing that, the pictures don't come.
