Tuesday 16th February 2010

It was a long night. No 1 son was up & down all night with a cough and cold, therefore I was up and down all night. As it happens I was awake anyway. I have long battled the demons and darkness that depression brings. I am currently in a low patch. Everything is tinged with a dark outline. Nothing brings me joy. At the back of my mind are thoughts which only get air time when my mood is low.

When you live with pain, you become very blase about it. It takes more and more to make you feel things. My physical pain is very intense at the moment. I am having to use 2 crutches to mobilise, everything is a chore. But things have to be done, and no one else will do them for me, so I have to get through that barrier, the "I can't". People stare at you when you use a disabled parking bay - you can see them stare, looking you up and down, taking in the crutches, the way I move. The crutches make it o.k. - she can't walk properly, she can park there. Everywhere, judgmental eyes - when I take too long at the till, because I can't grip the coins in my purse, if I drop something and can't bend to pick it up, watching me.

I would really like to be invisible. To go about my business, with no one looking, no one judging. I have to use painkillers in a patch form. Sometimes they are visible under my clothes, I wouldn't mind if people asked. I do mind if people stare.

Depression is an evil beast, but one I have lived with in different forms for so many years now, I think I would miss it if it went. It has made me the person I am today, for better or worse. At the moment I do not like myself at all, but, that is my problem, not yours. I have spent many years in therapy, many months in hospital, weeks / days / hours hating myself and all that I am. So I swallow my antidepressants, and paint a smile upon my face. Mum, wife, teacher, friend, so the days go by.