Guilt

I was thinking today about all the things I feel guilty about. There are quite a lot, so I decided to make a list.

• being overweight & unable to lose it
• being a crap mum
• shouting at the kids
• not being a good wife
• having been a terrible daughter
• not earning a living
• not contributing to the family
• feeling so down all the time
• hating myself
• feeling depressed, when there are other people who don't have half of what I have, who are happy with their lot
• keeping secrets
• feeding my family healthy food, but not being able to sit and eat with them
• being grumpy
• being distant
• being anti social
• self harm
• not being sure of my faith, but making my children come to church with me anyway
• not being able to accept compliments
• wasting professionals time

So there are just few of the things I feel guilty about. Don't really know what I have achieved by making a list, but now I can see them there, I do see that I have a lot of guilt.

I'm going to see the specialist trauma team at the weekend. I feel guilty about that too.

Trouble is, I don't remember a time when I didn't feel guilty. Even as a little girl I felt guilty about even being alive. I was told from as far back as I can remember that I was unplanned & had come at a very inconvenient time & made things very hard for my parents.

If someone waved a wand and magicked away my guilt, I don't think there would be anything of me left.