Friends

I was asked this week about my friends, what I did with the youngest child when we went to other people's homes? I was very embarrassed to admit that actually, I don't have any friends any more. Not the close, being able to talk to type friends. I have always been on the anti social side, but now, I appear to be a complete hermit. No friends to speak of, my world revolves around my husband, children & their needs. My only friends are virtual friends, people I have met online, in the forums where anonymity is a shield for my being. Imagine, a 43 year old mother of 3. A governor at the children's school, very active on the PTA, sitting for hours on end, talking to strangers online - yet she can't pick up the phone and tell someone who has known her for years, just how bad she is feeling.

I self harmed this week. It has been a couple of months since my last episode, but the urges have been there. I am now trying to explain away the terrible mess I have made of myself. The cuts are large and quite open, but I am too ashamed to seek medical help - taking up the time of health professionals whose time should be spent with people who deserve help. So I console myself with the faceless internet. People who say kind things - like, "you're a lovely person" But they don't really know that, it is gleaned from an online persona, designed to hide the flaws, the real person behind the words.

I have met people from the internet (I know, I know!) they were lovely - not 30 stone truckers or axe murderers! Real, genuine people, with their own set of problems, but who too find solace in talking online.

So for now, they are my friends. I bare my soul and talk about some of my darkest feelings. I don't even know if it helps, but I am very thankful for my online friends, and they'll probably never know just how thankful I am.