Failure

So I cut. Again and again. Then I panicked. One cut was really big & deep. I made it worse and worse. It wouldn't stop bleeding. I knew I had to seek help - but how the hell was I going to explain away what I'd done? It was plainly obvious - right on the edge of my wrist. I know - smashed plate. There are advantages to being incredibly clumsy - people will believe anything of me - even the far fetched tale of clumsiness that I concocted.

At A & E they were so kind. I didn't really want kind, I wanted them to shout "time waster" "idiot" "attention seeker" But the nurse was gentle and took the time to talk to me. He listened and said I didn't need to say sorry - but I did need to apologise, over and over again. Then he scared me witless by declaring that he thought I had cut through a tendon. OMG I nearly threw up when he said that. He said it needed stitching, but he was reluctant to do it, as I really needed to see the plastic surgeon. At that point I could have sunk through the floor - I really didn't mean to waste anyone's time - certainly not specialists, dealing with people with real and genuine injuries. The unit is over an hour away - I just couldn't do it. So I had to self discharge against medical advice. I feel so bad. He was so kind and thorough, and I rejected his kindness.

So here I sit. Bandaged. Damaged. Lost.