Faith, Plans & Shame

I have spent all day planning how to self harm tonight, in a way that can be explained away as accidental. I can't get the thoughts out of my head. They have been at the back of my mind whilst I cooked, cleaned, ironed. I thought about ironing my hand, but I'm not sure even I could explain that away as pure clumsiness. Self harm makes a terrible liar out of one. "Silly me" "I'm so clumsy" and so on. Unfortunately, anyone catching a glimpse of all the scars would probably be able to work out that this woman is more than clumsy.

I went to church today. I go most weeks, but this week I didn't take the children. I am really struggling with my faith at the moment. My darkest hours feel so lonely, I don't get any sense / feeling of God at all. It's an empty feeling. Lonely. Like my life. As we sang hymns and read prayers I was desperately trying to feel God - the Almighty, the one who will save us - but nothing. I am just a cold empty shell of a woman. I wonder if that is why self harm seems so important in my life - it's a way of feeling something - anything is better than nothing. Pain beats numbness, at least there is a feeling there.

One website I use makes a lot of noise about distraction - things you can to do distract you from self harming. Have a bath, do a crossword, make a drink, colour a picture, and so on - all very safe activities - but nothing that makes you feel something. Whether it's the initial pain or the shame and self hatred that inevitably follows - at least you can feel.

I am going to do it. I just haven't decided how, yet.