It's 3 weeks since my surgery. I developed an infection in my stitches, and stubbornly refused help, as I felt that I had brought it on myself - which is absolutely true. Eventually my MH social worker dragged me (almost literally) into Minor Injuries and found someone to look at the mess on my wrist. Again, no harshness, no nasty glances, just gentle words and reassurance that it was ok to be there. The infection has cleared now, just a slightly red scar now. I wish I could say that was the end of it all. But still, I dwell on self harm many times a day. I wish I knew why? I wish it wasn't like that. I suppose it is my way of coping with the images and pictures that are flashing through my mind, the thoughts and feelings that they provoke - and the anger which they raise within me - though I direct it on myself, as I don't know what else to do with it.
No2 son has been incredibly challenging for the last few weeks. He is medicated for ADHD, but they only see the benefit of it at school. It has worn off by the time he gets in, and in the unstructured setting of the weekend, he is as hyper as ever. I think it is the feeling of utter helplessness that I find hardest - it doesn't matter what strategies I try to employ (distraction / bribery etc) he does not respond. He is locked in that autistic state where he is the only one who matters, who has feelings and who has needs. He doesn't care about how others feel as a result of his words or actions. When he is being violent to me it is bad enough, but it is so hard for his siblings to bear the brunt of his physical behaviour. I wish that there was a pill to take away all his problems, but then, maybe he wouldn't be the boy he is now? I don't know.
It all feels a bit overwhelming today.
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Sorry it felt so overwhelming when you wrote this. I'm just so glad your social worker made sure you were treated - it is so important to take care of infected wounds properly.
ReplyDeleteI hope you don't mind me saying this, but your son sounds really hard work. I'm saying this as someone who has had a lot of challenging behaviour from an autistic son (though thankfully now in the past). I wonder what your social worker makes of it? Do you think anyone really understands how difficult it is to care for him? It sounds as if it is part of what is making you so unwell.